Are You Living for You? — My Story on Reevaluating Personal Desire
When I write, my mind often hovers in a space I’ve been before; My mind was in Union Square, San Francisco while I wrote this at home. Surrounded by big retailers and close to my classes, in a way this space represents the common goals and values I’ve come to identify with general society.
I’ve lived with a growing anxiety of my self worth and it reached the point where I lost all sense of joy and the will to just keep at it—I knew something had to change. I always thought the anxiety was because I didn’t know what my future might look like, but really it was that I knew the future I was working toward was something I didn’t want—a “successful” position as an ordinary member of society. This has been an ever-present reality that I did not want to face because my idea of attaining a successful career relied on me wanting to meet society’s expectations.
Suddenly I am free! I’m finally taking my first steps in living a life that I personally value and diverting from a life striving to fill a space that no one—including myself—needs filled. The passion filled drive to create had nearly been sucked dry and now I finally know why: My entire college career represents a struggle with my self worth being based on my ability to maintain other’s indifferent expectations. I only have two more months until I graduate and earn my Master’s degree; So I’m choosing to keep at it just a little longer to finish what I’ve started.
Filled with an exciting new perspective and a restored joy in my future’s possibilities, I am starting to make plans based on my own desires. I have totally freakin awesome dreams of living out of my backpack while traveling the world! …I know, just keep reading.
I’ve spent my life chasing after what I thought I wanted; So naturally I have doubts about these awakened desires. Is travel what I really need? Am I jumping on this as a solution to my problems? Should I trust this urge to go-all-in with these ambitions? It’s good to have doubts; Shows me that I’m still thinking—probing what might be further behind this self discovery.
Personal Growth—I’ve discovered—is far more valuable than an appearance of success (I’ve always despised the uninspired pressure to do something because “it will look good on your resume!”). So now I am adding personal growth as one of my primary pursuits—and I see solo traveling (along with seeking God) as a great way to do just that; That’s what I keep reading in the stories of others anyways. So I filed for my first-time passport and just bought plane tickets for 11 days in Iceland! Soon I’ll be adventuring!